Shattering The Illusions
Are you a hopeless Romantic, suffering from the longing for the beloved? Who is the beloved? The old perception was that the beloved was an object outside of self, someone that you could love forever and would love you forever. The search for some form of permanence in an impermanent world. The one that would make everything all right. The holy grail contained within another person. But what is really contained within that object of affection, what is really contained within this holy grail? It contains the Christ Consciousness blood, that Divinity that we all are. Romance is the search for this grail, a search for that which is eternal, that which lasts forever and ever, something that we can always count on, something that does not change. This is the root of all romance, the search for self and finding self through intimate relationship with another. The search to heal our pain of separation by communing with others who have the same pain. The search for completion, fulfillment, wholeness, oneness.
There must be distance between you for typical romance, the object of desire is outside of self. This distance, this separation between us is dramatized and inflated, something we do naturally as actors, and fantasy is a key element in the production of the play. In this case the fantasy is the image of perfection, and of personal fulfillment when the object is obtained, and of course living happily ever after. The fantasy image untouched by imperfection in an imperfect world. But alas when the object is attained the perfection of this romanticized image is shattered by reality.
A large degree of this excitement is in the expectation, the search, the hope of attaining the object, and just as when we were children, the excitement level drops soon after receiving the object. We then had to start wanting something else to generate this emotional charge, we still do the same thing today.
This is the pattern of relationship when the honey moon is over and conflict arises. This is the point when you are left with yourself, when self is bounced back at you because your fantasy image is now fading and reality is setting in, replacing this perfect image with the imperfection of form. The focus then goes away from the other person and comes back to you. This is why we hate it when we realize that our mate has flaws, because then our attention wavers from the fantasy image and we are left with their imperfection and with our own imperfection. Our fantastic image bounces back at us and we are left with self, self conscious, insecure, fragile, emotional, dependent self.
We can then fall into the trap of condemning the actions of our mates to further avoid focusing on ourselves and being aware of self. We become angry as if we were lied to or fooled by them, as if they put on an act of loveliness for us, and when we became hooked, the evil twin came out - the faulty, insecure, dependent human surfaced. We feel abandoned and alone because we are left with our own insecure self, and a false image of our mate. Many people experience at this state that they 'never really new their partner', their partner now feels like a stranger to them, and you don't feel any connection between you any more. This is of course logical because you weren't having a relationship with each other but with your images of them.
This is the truth of fear of intimacy, it is not fear of relating with another person that is scary, but of having to be intimate with self. And we don't want the honey moon to end because then we'll have to focus on what we're up to instead of them. Maintain the focus (at all costs) in an outward, projective, fantastic manner to avoid self, keeping the imaginary ecstasy going so that it will not be shattered by "reality".
The oneness of typical romance is not real, it is an illusion. There is pleasure to it, but the temporary pleasure of it masks what is underneath and what is underneath is the pain of separation. Putting off that pain only serves to make it worse down the line as the fantasy is shattered and the pain shoots to the surface like a volcano. This is the root of torrid dramas that arise in relationships. All the repressed pain is kept trapped, and then when the door opens it rushes up to the surface hard and furious to be spoken for.
Typical Romance is blatantly, passionately, obsessively, exteriorly focused on an object of desire, on an object of love. And we support this pattern and glamorize it. It is a glamorized form of pornography, and we love the imagery, except romance is more subtle and imaginative. Manifestations of romance are the over identifications society has with all the forms that excite us and intimate at relationship, and the pleasures that go along with it. On a deeper level, romance is a strategy to obtain oneness and to become fulfilled. On a shallower level it is, plain and simply, to obtain pleasure and feel loved.
I personally am a hopeless romantic, I adore romance movies and romantic gossip. I am fascinated by the blissful, torrid, exciting, passionate love play between lovers and their obsession with "love". It is an addiction, I get a rush and intense pleasure from it. This passion feels good, it has a charge to it, a sexual emotional charge. I get off on the desire, the obsession, the search, the pursuit, the hope, the loss. It's all an act, I like the drama - I'm just an actor, a divine fool (as is everyone) - the only difference is I realize it. This is why I lived and breathed the movie business in Hollywood for 13 years, to see that "all the world is a stage and we are merely players with our many entrances and exits"... This is the gift of movies that my beloved City of Angels offers the world - the truth of reality.
I love romance so much because I love love so much, and I love having fun, and the adventure & passion of love and relationship. And I adore the fringe benefits of romance i.e. making love, shnuggling, kissing, companionship, the intimacy, the sharing, the friendship - these things are indeed gifts from All That Is to make this human drama bearable. Ultimately, love is what we are romantic about, and what we are addicted to and what we are attracted to - in all its forms.
What are you really attracted to when you are attracted to someone? You are attracted to a unique expression of All That Is. All That Is expressing itself in one unique form, a very specific individual expression of All That Is. Personally I will not give up the romantic search for the beloved because I know what the search really is and the romance between beings in human bodies is just part of the fun, the perks of the job, the goodies that make this play bearable and fun, if there wasn't any fun to this then I wouldn't come. It is all a play any way so I may as well enjoy what the play has to offer.
One thing that I always hope for in this movie called romance is compassion, true compassion. When we see it, the movie is a joy, if it is lacking it becomes a tragedy. Because a truly compassionate person is aware of self as well as the other person, this translates as self love, self respect, and honoring of self. The pattern of focusing on the other disregards self, and in the tragedy the one who focuses his attention on another usually ends up crazy, their life crashing all around them. And even that part is glamorized - and why not, it's fun, life is meant to be adventurous.
Why does this tragedy happen? Because the truth must be revealed and the true search is the search of self. All that is not seen of the truth of self must surface to the light. And this happens because they essentially dishonor self in favor of obtaining an object instead of discovering self - but self will be discovered, you cannot be let off the hook. A compassionate person has complete awareness and deeply feels themselves, the other and the whole scene. The heat of passion is both balanced and honored by the cool of compassion. When lovers develop compassion, and embody self love, it is a joy to witness, and there will be a happy ending, we leave the theater with tears of joy on our faces. When lovers fail to truly experience self, most definitely there will be a tragic ending. Think about all the romance movies that you have seen given to us by All That Is expressing itself through movies, and you will know where of I speak.
As we can see by these movies, to a large degree this romantic adoration dishonors the uniqueness of the individual, because our fantasy is not the truth of their beingness, it is our own creation of what they should be like or what we would like them to be like. (Thou shalt have no other gods before me) And your projective image locks them into that image for you and for themselves. If they do not live up to that image we are disappointed and reject them. We hate them for not being what we think they should be. Their true beingness, their own individual idiosyncratic, spontaneous, creativity, with all its patterns that are probably dissimilar to you, are not allowed. We do not want some one different from us because we don't want to feel separate from them. We want them to be as similar to us as we can possibly get, their in lies the root of the fantasy image.
This image, this focusing away from self at another is a symptom of our assumed separation from All That Is, from truth and the awesomeness and radiance of our own being. Both people in the relationship do this: project expectations and desires and perfect images onto our mates, expecting them to act this way and meet our expectations to fulfill our fantasy so we will not feel pain. We are living out programming dictated by our separateness. The old version of relationship contained within it the "fact" that we are separate and lonely. To overcome this 'feeling' we chose to enter exclusive dependent relationships to avoid feelings of aloneness and separation at all costs.
This old form of relationship suppressed individual beingness. The new relationship supports and encourages the true beingness of the individual, this is why the new relationship can be so difficult. Generally relationships are based on coincidal imagery. We obtain mates that meet our qualifications. If they do not we discard them, try to change them or leave them. This is an attempt at oneness, if we get along, have similar interests and have a good compatible sex life then we "have oneness".
Naturally this is a false oneness, we disregard individual idiosyncratic identity for fake oneness - to belong, to be a part of a thing that feels bigger than us. This is the fantasy, the glamorized romance of marriage, the big ceremony, the illusion that this relationship is the "one", the one that will fulfill me and make everything all right - we'll live happily ever after. Hype it up, inflate it, dress the bride like a virgin (glamorizing the woman, our romantic image of perfection), dress the groom in a boring tux (down play the male, denying the beauty of the masculine), make everything perfect and big to feel like you're a part of something bigger than you.
In truth this is accurate, it is bigger then you, but not in the manner that it is being portrayed. The synergy created by two people together is greater then the sum of the parts, this is on a higher dimensional level, on a synchronistic energetic (synergetic) level. This is another reason why relationships can be difficult, as they require you to be truthful to yourself within the combination of the synergy, the bigger creation created by the love and divine essences of two people. A marriage ceremony celebrates the creation of this new form, a new expression of All That Is. As these two expressions of All That Is come together - a synergetic entity is created - a new life form.
Typical glamour, the desire to belong to someone, avoids and masks what is hiding deep down below - a longing to belong to the source, the longing of true oneness with All That Is. Paradoxically if you go right into that longing, you discover you already belong and are one with All That Is. True oneness requires your full individuality, your full awareness of all that you are. Focusing on another disregards self and this individuality. This is why relationships "fail" - focusing on each other disregards the wonderment and awesomeness of self.
Self is pure consciousness, the stream of consciousness of All That Is, Great Spirit, The I Am Presence - no separation. Yet paradoxically contained within All That Is, is the individual, the fully functional personal you that is an individual expression of All That Is - the entire Universe expressing itself at a single point. The new romance is 'that' of you, unconditional self love. And self love is embodying the you that 'can' love so fully, that you that 'is' love, and loves 'now' unconditionally. That you that 'can' love, is not seduced by anything in the world of form. It does not need anything: techniques, methods, information, learning - these are of no use to that which you truly are, unless it serves who you truly are. The world of form is your servant, you are not a servant to the world of form.
Behind all romance, is the fantasy of the timeless relationship that lasts forever. A longing for permanence, that of our beingness that is eternal and naturally permanent. The relationship with All That Is that is eternal, the relationship with oneself that is eternal. The search for the beloved is the search for ourself, All That Is all that we are. So paradoxically romance is true, it is real because we see in each other that timeless relationship that does really last forever, that of our beingness that is permanent.
This relationship with All That Is expressing itself through two people never changes, never ends, even when our physical representations of this relationship complete themselves - the true relationship continues. We never really lose anyone, our true relationship with people never changes, only the physical form of the relationship changes.
Falling in love and being in love with another person, is being in love with that of themselves that is eternal. What you are in love with is that eternal beingness that you are. So your desire to be in love with your self - your true self, to be one with that which you truly are, and already are, and are already at one with, is projected at the other person. And your love of self is evoked by their love for you, their reciprocal projection of adoration for you.
Old Age form of relationship based on romance: create the perfect image, the dream boat, Mr. or Ms. right, then find the person who fits the image. If you find this perfect mate and later you find they don't fit the image, you try to change them or you get rid of them. Then the search continues again for the perfect image.
The new age form of relationship, (hopefully shifting to true reality), is still based on romance, where there is a "deep spiritual connection", i.e. - twin flame, soul mate, perfect divine partner, past life lover, similar spiritual biases, etc. It is less form oriented only because we now look for that perfect mate that is spiritually correct for us. But make no mistake it is still based on some form, even if it is a higher dimensional form, it is still a form. Both are dysfunctional, the new age relationship is just a spiritualized version of the old.
Further, in the new age relationship, you have idealistically given up desire to control another person, and you hope that you can put up with what ever they dish out and how ever they are. If not, you "therapeutically" notify your partner that you wish they were different. You still reject them and go into your "self", saying: "I am processing these energies of separation, (evoked by this relationship), but if I cannot handle this stuff that I am feeling, and can't find a way out, I will leave you or you will have to leave me". Same shit, nicer version. It is still avoidance of self and the truth. Suffering cannot be fixed, and cannot be taken away by some strategy. You must place your attention on that which is aware of suffering. Any strategy to avoid suffering places your attention on suffering, with your attention on suffering, you will continue to suffer.
In the "Real" New Relationship you have no images or expectation of the other person. You have no dependencies, no demands, and no projections that the other person is supposed to fulfill any part of you - this is a reality because you realize 'you are fulfillment'. You allow, honor, encourage and delight in the mystery of their unique creative individuality.
I hope that you don't think I am promoting the irradication of romance and relationship from this reality, if you do you have missed the point, I am not interested in irradicating anything. What I am interested in is seeing the truth of everything in this illusion that we call reality, in enlightening these things to higher potentials, in honoring all parts of the wholeness of All That Is. I adore romance and will always be drawn to it, especially as I see the wholeness of it amongst its distorted elements. All things in this reality have a higher dimensional counter part, it is merely a matter of finding what that is. Look long enough at anything and you will see the truth of it, or the illusion that it is. So in truth what I am promoting is true romance and true relationship, the manifestation of true reality into this dimension of limited perception. I am promoting complete awareness of All That Is.
What about the fun part? Naturally if you can do the 'new' relationship or come close to it, the ever expanding mystery constantly unfolds. So then maybe, we can really start having fun, because we can now operate in the now, where every moment is new and offers new experiences. You and your partners unique creativity is allowed to flow and constantly be spontaneously expressed. All That Is is allowed to be channeled to this reality.
So go ahead and be romantic, with complete awareness of the 'truth' of romance. This entire reality is an illusion anyway, so enjoy the illusion. Be the actor within the play, engulfed in the part, but remember you are acting. Remain aware of 'that which you truly are' which is always aware that you are acting. When you can be the actor and 'who you truly are' (the witness, the audience), then you can really start having some fun. You can sit back eating your popcorn and enjoy the movie. You can really have some fun because you know it's just a part your playing. You can get scared, and angry, and sad, and cry, and laugh.... knowing deep down that it is just a movie and it's all an illusion created by the big Hollywood producer for your entertainment and the Co-Creation of Heaven on Earth. Then you can be romantic for the fun of it, knowing what you're really in love with. And you can really love another person because this reality allows this "illusion", and you can enjoy them for what they truly are.
How much courage do you have to fully play the part with the freedom of knowing that it is all an illusion, where it doesn't matter what you do, where consequences are irrelevant, and regret is unnecessary. How daring can you be, risking everything, with the awareness that risking everything is risking nothing. How much will you allow your true self to really be expressed and embodied. Will you allow your 'self ' to do whatever it occurs to you to do, no matter how crazy it may seem to that part of you that worries about consequences. The 'real' you is not concerned about consequences because it knows they are illusions. The real you is not concerned about hurting any ones feelings because it knows feelings are not real and that there are no victims in true reality. Can you be a bastard or a bitch and know you're just playing a part in someone's play. Can you be truly lovingly compassionate and caring, knowing that you are just playing a part in a play, this drama called 'discovery of self ' a.k.a. the Co-Creation of Heaven on Earth.
Blessings on your Romantic Journey,
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