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Makes the World Go Round

I totally appreciate good humor, as I recognize that this whole reality is a big cosmic joke. Perhaps you have activated your funny chakra and realize that too.

If so, you will appreciate this a collection of the best E-Mail Jokes I have received through the years to take that serious edge off of spirituality.

If you've got some excellent jokes that you have received please send them to me.

If you haven’t activated your funny chakra, then it is time for you to –
Get the Cosmic Joke!

Jokes 1

(Go to Jokes 2)


If a clown farted, would it smell funny?

A man goes to the doctor for a physical exam, the doctor is checking him out and says to him, “you have one wooden testicle and one metal one”, that’s very extraordinary, do you have any children”, yes he says, “Pinocchio is 7 and Terminator is 12”.

Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevys.
What does the Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle around Uranus searching for Klingons.

The Mortuary

A mortuary sat at the top of a hill above the town. A couple of mortician’s were wheeling a casket on a cart, up into their hearse. They both reach to open the door thinking that the other guy has a hold of the casket. It takes off rolling down the hill, flying past houses and cars, and people, it gets to the bottom of the hill and flies through the intersection, barely missing crossing cars. The cart is running straight towards a pharmacist, (chemist) and stops dead as it hits the curb. The casket flies straight through the window, and slides across the counter. The casket flies open and the body sits up. The pharmacist says, “Can I help you sir”, he replies, “Yeah, you got anything to stop this coffin”.

An honest seven-year-old, admitted calmly to her parents, that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother, "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her four-year-old daughter. On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart', thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

A little girl asked her mum, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mum replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my mom says it's a bitch to iron".

In an ancient monastery in a far away place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery’s scriptorium. He was assigned to be a replicator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.

One day, he asked Father Florian (the rather ancient head of the scriptorium), “Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else?

Are they ever checked against the original?” Father Florian was take aback by the observation of this youthful monk. “A very good point, my son. I will take one of the books down to the vault and compare it against the original.” Father Florian went down to the vault and began his verification.

After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard crying.

When they opened the door, they found Father Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which were opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his heart out for a long time.

“What is the problem, Reverend Father?” asked one of the monks.

“Oh, my God, my God,” sobbed the priest. “In the ancient book of the sacred rites of priesthood… the word is ‘celebrate’.”

A man asks the secret to his friend’s marriage success. His friend replies, “The secret to our successful marriage is we have lots of romantic candle light dinners….., we found this totally romantic restaurant, that we go to regularly…. She goes on Fridays, and I go on Saturdays.”

A doctor and his wife are having a really heated argument about their failing relationship and he eventually gets fed up and storms out, and the last thing he says before he leaves is, “And on top of everything else, you’re lousy in bed.”

Later on he starts to feel bad about what he said, so he calls her at home. She answers the phone all out of breath, and he hears another man in the background. He says, “Who is that, what’s going on?” she says, “Oh, I’m just getting a second opinion”.

A French girl travelling in Sydney, wants to get back to France somehow, but has run out of money and has lost here plane ticket. She is standing next to the wharf at Sydney Harbour crying and distraught. A sailor sees her and asks her what is wrong. She explains the situation and he says to her, “Well don’t worry, I am a sailor and I can get you to France on my ship that is due to sail very soon. I’ll hide you aboard ship and bring food to you during the voyage, all you have to do is have sex with me.” She agrees and he hides her on board.

After a week or so, the captain of the ship notices that this man keeps going below deck all the time and is always bringing food with him. The captain gets suspicious and goes below to investigate. He finds the French girl and enquires as to why she is down here hiding away. She explains the situation to him and he replies, “I’m sorry miss but I have to inform you that you are on the Manly ferry.”

An older couple goes to a doctor. He sits them down in his office and asks them what the problem is. They reply, “Well, we would just like you to watch us have sex, and we’ll talk about it later”.

All three go into the other room and the couple get into it on his couch. They are having a great time, and it seems to the doctor, that they have absolutely no problems in the sex department at all. They finish and leave him quite puzzled.

The next week, the same thing happens again. And the following week, the same thing happens again. At this point he can’t understand what is going on. When the couple arrives for their next appointment, he stops them and asks, “What is this all about, especially since I see no problems at all with your sex life.

She replies, “Well, we’re both married, and we’re having an affair, I can’t go to his place, and he can’t go to mine, we’re both on pensions and we can’t afford going to a hotel, and it’s a lot cheaper paying you with Medicaire.”

The girl friend of an Italian man complains to him, “Why are you always picking your nose, and how come when we have sex, you never let me get on top?” He replies, “Well when I left home my dad told me, ‘Son, keep your nose clean and don’t fuck up’.”

The girl friend of a man comes home one day after going to the doctor’s and says, “I’m pregnant and if you don’t marry me I’ll jump off of the bridge and kill myself”. He replies, “you’re not only a good lay but you’re a good sport too”.

A business woman is sitting in a bar. A man cruises up to her and asks, “Do you want some company? She replies, “Why, do you have one for sale?”
God comes to Adam and says to him, “Adam, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is I’ve given you two great tools to work with, your brain and your penis. The bad news is, I’ve only given you enough blood in your system to operate one at a time.”

A couple is having sex, and two ET’s beam in to watch them and study their mating rituals. The couple is startled, but after the ET’s explain to them why they are there, they relax and continue. The ET’s watch and take notes on their computer board.

They then want to continue the study, so they ask if they could have sex with the couple separately. The male ET goes upstairs with the woman and the female ET stays downstairs with the man.

They go at it upstairs, and afterwards he asks her how it was. She replies, “Well, it would be nice if your penis was longer.” He says, “No problem, when you are ready, just pull my nose and it will get longer.”

They get done, and he asks her again how it was. She replies, “Well, it would be nice if it was wider.” He says, “No problem, when you’re ready, just pull my ears and it will get wider.”

After many orgasms and she is quite satisfied, they go back downstairs to see how the other couple went. The woman asks her husband how it was, and he replies, “Well it was pretty good, except she kept pulling on my nose and ears all the time.”


God grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified, to do anything, with nothing.

Toddler Property Laws

- If I like it, it’s mine.
- If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
- If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
- It it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
- If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
- If it looks like mine, it is mine.
- If I saw it first, it’s mine.
- If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
- If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Psychiatric Hotline

“Hello, Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, please press #1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press #2.

If you have multiple personalities, press #3, 4, 5 & 6.

If you are Paranoid-Delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.”

Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters.

"Nice tits, girls" says the man. "Now, where do you want these blinds?"

A woman came home to find her husband Steve, in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window with all his might. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Apparently, the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. And the whole event was caught on videotape, which the owner subsequently sold for use on TV.


When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Ma?" She replies: "That's for having a small one!"

A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knock the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?" He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

Male Female… and Sex Jokes

Compliment her, respect her, honour her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the end of the earth for her.

Show up naked. Bring food.

Women's English

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]

Men's English

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice tits!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.

Female bumper Stickers
















And last but not least:


Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!!!


The top 5 Sex Jokes

Number five

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Number four

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that Australians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Bluey Greenburg, nice to meet you." replies the man.

Number three

The night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number two

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

Number one

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee. The other's in your porridge."

The Gyno Appt.

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the Dr.'s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45.

The trip to his office was about 35 minutes, so I didn't have time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth into the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the Dr. said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" But, I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school while my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the on that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Sexual Attraction

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ on whether a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is likely to be attracted to men with rugged, masculine features.

On the other hand, if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.


1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

2. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop and ask for directions.

4. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

5. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually will mature.

6. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

7. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know. It has never happened.

8. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

9. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

10. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.

11. Why are married women usually heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

12. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control between his toes.

13. What did God say after creating man? "I must be able to do better thanTHAT!".

14. What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect".

15. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're all married.

16. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
"God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb? "God says, "So she would love you!".



On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, " I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer......for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wonder, " Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out". Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"






















WHAT AM I???????





what were you thinking? You PERVERT!

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you
within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your
genitals will rot and fall off.


Romance never dies

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said : "Then you use to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

How to Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see your partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note - must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your partner flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure from the shower head filter. Turn off the shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake dick at her making the"woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your dick in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Fart. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire dick size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake dick at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Get dressed in under two minutes. Fart.

(ZaKaiRan's comment - Looks like his ritual is a lot more fun to me)

Low Clearance

Two good old boys were driving a truck through the backroads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read - "CLEARANCE: 11' 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck. The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirror, then shifted into first gear. Then he said, "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance."

Aussie humour

Only in Australia

The truth the whole truth and nothing BUT the truth according to the Australian Bureau of statistics

A little Christmas cheer for all From the Australian Bureau of Statistics:

31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.

101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.

5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.

3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

and finally:

8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.

YEP! its great to be Australian!

The Great Aussie Love Poem

Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word

So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab

So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There

No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best

I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get

No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer!

The New Universal Tax System (NUTS)

Under the New Universal Taxation System (NUTS), businesses must file a Business Activity Statement Table and Report Directive (BASTARD) every month. They should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD out.

A taxpayer is henceforth known as a Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running (SUCKER), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefits, in which case they are classified as a Registered Australian Taxpayer Beneficiary Allowance Grantee (RATBAG).

From July 1, when all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses need to submit a fortnightly General Allocation Rebate For Business And Goods Estimate (GARBAGE) report to the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP).

Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the 30th of each month. All small businesses must be registered as Business Utilizing Sales Tax (BUST) by June 30th.

In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS).

It is anticipated that, by the end of the next financial year, all business will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.


John Howard’s (Prime Minister of Australia)

Australian Thieves Organisation



Tax File Number___________________________

Surname_____________________Given Name_______________________


City________________________State_________ Postcode____________

How much did you earn last year? $ ____________________

Send it to us.

Date_______________ Signature__________________________________


Tong Master

Griff was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the barbecue, three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them alone.

We didn't know why we were at the barbecue, we were just drawn there like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational force, a man-magnet. Joel said the thin ones could use a turn, I said yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn, Griff said yeah they really need a turn - it was a unanimous turning decision.

Griff was the Tong-master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto their little backs. A lesser tong-man would've flicked too hard; the sausages would've gone full circle, back to where they started.

Nice, I said. The others went "yeah". Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren-song- sizzle of the snags, the barbecue was calling, beckoning, "Kevinnnnn ...come". He stuck his head in and said any room? We said yeah and began the barbecue shuffle; Griff shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer.

Now there were four of us staring at sausages, and Griff gave me the nod, my cue. I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other's bodies like lovers - fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental. The chipolatas were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill, falling into the molten heat-bead-netherworld below.

Carefully I laid them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking. Griff snapped his tongs with approval, there was no greater barbecue honour. P.J. came along, he said looking good, looking good -the irresistible lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said yeah and did the shuffle,left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped our beer.

Five men, lots of sausages. Joel was the Fork-Pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed lots of promise. Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little vampire holes up and down the casing. P.J. was shaking his head, he said "I reckon they cook better if you don't poke them". There was a long silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop; this new-comer was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his crazy ideas from outside. He didn't understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-master, then theSausage-layer, then the Fork-Pronger and everyone below was just a watcher. Maybe eventually they'll move up the ladder, but for now - don't rock theWeber.

Dianne popped her head in; hmmm, smells good, she said. She was trying to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and our shoulders in, mumbling yeah yeah yeah, but making no room for her. She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for the only available space. The gap in the circle where all the smoke and ashes blew.

Nobody could survive the gap; Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over her arms and face. Until she couldn't take it anymore, she gave up, backed off. Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our beer; yeah.

Griff handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I knew what was happening, I'd waited a long time for this moment - the abdication. The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip - was I ready for the responsibility?

Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted in the sun. "Don't forget to turn the thin ones" Griff said, as he walked away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house. "Yeah" I called back, "I will, I will". I snapped them twice, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies. I was a natural. I was the TONG-MASTER. Until Griff got back from the toilet.

Copyright 1998 Danny Katz. Originally published in “The Age” newspaper Melbourne, Australia



Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the "hard earned thirst quencher" the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said: "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."


Notre Dame

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell"

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.".

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...

He's a dead ringer for his brother".

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:______________________ Gang:_______________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings must he conduct before he shoots 50 people?
Answer: Johnny hits 15 x (4/10) people per drive by, which means that he will have to participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people. However, he will have completed two drive-by shootings and be just starting the third when he has to reload. Since he only stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people when the homeboys with the uzis make Swiss cheese out of him.

2. Paul (Pony) has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $820, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
Answer: At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8-ball" is 8 grams, so Pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75 grams left. If he keeps selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for a total of 5 x $320 = $1,600) and have 6.75 grams for his own nose. If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2=23) packs at $85 apiece = (23 x $85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into small parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even larger profit. This problem is really more suited for the Gang Multi-Variable Economics Test.

3. Ron is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Ron can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

Answer: 800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making a deal with Pony from Question #2.

4. Susan wants to cut her 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will she need?

Answer: If she sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume, she will need 20% more volume. 20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz. So, Susan will need 1.6oz of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to get 20% more volume. She will want a cut which looks similar to raw heroin and has approximately the same melting point. Plain sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has the added benefit of removing the possibility of customer complaints, but will sharply limit repeat business.

5. Blade gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has already stolen 2BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

Answer: Blade has made 2 x $200 + 3 x $100=$700 dollars from his theft so far. He needs $100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more Chevy's. However, he will probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he can take the extra two and make a really def low-rider.

6. Little Willy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the witch that spent his money?

Answer: 6 years x 12 months/year x $250/month=$18,000. Little Willy will have $25,000 - $18,000 = $7,000 left when he gets out of prison. If Little Willy kills her in the USA, he should expect to get 6 years. However, if he takes her down to Mexico and buries her scrawny, track-marked ass in the desert, he can get off scot free.

7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 4 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

Answer: 3 cans of paint will cover 3 x 22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters with a little paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop who's comin' after you. Or the tagger could do 15 letters and an awesome skull.

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
Answer: 6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because they've been sleeping with Pedro, Hector's lieutenant. So, in actuality, Hector only knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.

9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on the dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each week to make $250?
Answer: Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.

10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his 14 year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making out with his girlfriend in the backseat. How much prison time is he looking at for the carjacking and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked legal? Assume no prior convictions in arriving at your answer.

Answer: Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be making out with his girlfriend in someone else's car next Saturday.

The lineage is finally revealed!

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and
the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
highschool drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock and because the kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Burt, and Horace.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can rebutt. You DO know a lotta Schitt.

A man’s mother is getting quite old and he can’t take care of her anymore, so he takes her to a nursing home. They get her settled, and he leaves. The orderly sets her up in a chair overlooking the pretty grounds. Not too long after she begins to lean to one side, so the orderly sprints forward and straightens her up. Later she begins to lean to the other side and once again he sprints forward to straighten her up. This happens periodically all day.

The next day her son returns to see how she is doing. “So mom, how do you like the place.” “Well, its very nice”, she replies, “except they won’t let you fart”.

A Buddhist monk went into a Zen pizza shop and said, "Make me one with everything.

"When he got his order, he gave the shopkeeper $20, which the guy pocketed.

"Hey, where's my change?" asked the monk.

"Change must come from within," replied the shopkeeper.


Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database
has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a
milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data
was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.

HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE...

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair drier at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.(This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

6. Insist that your e-mail address be: xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

9. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

11. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the lunchroom. When people
complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

13. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favours'.

14. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

15. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

16. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

17. Don't use any punctuation

18. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

19. Ask people what sex they are.

20. Specify that your drive-thru order is 'to go'

21. Sing along at the opera.

22. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

23. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

AnD tHe FiNaL WaY tO aNnOy PeOple:

24. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Colorado family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though.

Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only snowed twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

Believe it or not ! ! !

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know
today as the honeymoon.

3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at to mind their own
pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your
P's and Q's.

4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired
by this practice.

Here's the best one...
In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the
King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a
baby, they got the consent of the King and the King gave them a placard that
they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F. U.
C. K. on it (Fornication Under Consent of the King). Now you know where
that came from.


Things to do in the elevator

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.

Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up,then scream 'That's mine!'Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask if they hear something ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergencyprocedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask ' Did you feel that?'Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occassionally.

When the doors close, announce to others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.

'Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.

Wear puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other passengers.

Make explosion noises whenever anyone presses a button.


What We Learned From The Movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a stripclub at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. Most dogs are immortal. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in thecontrol tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to anyother part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killerbeast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcomingart exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through itbefore long.

The Chief of Police is always black. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exactfare. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strangenoises in their most revealing underwear. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family everymorning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFKStadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost thistechnology. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or endingphone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large redreadouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you arevisiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involvingmartial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one bydancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out theirpredecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they willnever suffer a concussion or brain damage. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make surethey are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to eachother.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause nolasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects youpersonally at that precise moment. Some nerdy jackass adolescent punk will invariably sit down at a computer terminal in some high security building and begin typing incessantly,breaking the security code in a matter of minutes.

"Daily Nerd Humor"<Nerd_Humor@zenum.com

Tickle Me Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.

The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts.

He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door.

The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles.

They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. The personal managers starts to laugh and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

From Oddendz.com



Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep everyone else in line.

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

hey here's a quote from a magazine, in an article about the effect of violent video games on kids:

"Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if pac-man affected us as kids we'd all run around in a darkenned room chewing pills and listening to repetitive music"

Blind Man and his Dog

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar, they find their way through the bar and onto a stool, the blind man orders a drink and after sitting there for awhile he yells to the bartender 'hey you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar falls deathly silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says," before you tell that joke i think there is something you should know. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I am a 6ft 200lb blonde karate expert.

Whats more the two women next to you are both blonde pro wrestlers.
I would think seriously mister , "do you wanna still tell that joke "

The blind guy thinks for awhile and says , "Nah not if im gonna have to explain it five times ".

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Hell’s Angel biker?

A guy who comes to your door and tells you to fuck off.

What has 80 balls and fucks old ladies? – Bingo.

After many years browsing millions of internet pages, I have finally found it! - www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm
Chop Sticks

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."



I won't get bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear any music, or see a cool pop up screen if I don't forward this.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me, and Ford will not give me a 50% discount even if I HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people.

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don't know who I am anyway.

I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this....NEVER!!!!

My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward this.

There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.

There is no kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 yrs old, but he is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POSTCARDS, CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS!

The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.

The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of disease for every email address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations; they don't donate.

And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend...or by telling me I have no conscience or don't believe in GOD.

Now, repeat this 4 times to yourself until you've memorized it, and then send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon, or you will be constipated for the next 3 months!!!



If you have melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The Problem:
How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.

The Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fringe.

Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, isn't that a balanced diet?

Money talks, Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because no one wants to quit.

Put "Eat Chocolate" on the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done off your list

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say. I just watch what
they do.

New Definitions
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit)
9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10) Glibido: All talk and no action.
11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (A Republican specialty, wink wink :))
And, the pick of the literature:
12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU." There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking."

Math Class - Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f**king difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!

English - Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job".

Grammar - Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Beautiful - One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ....just f**king beautiful!'”

Cheers, FoY BoY….

Little Johnny's new watch

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope." "You didn't steal it did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

" Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well, stand in the corner and shut up," said his father

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could
not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then
he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to
see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt
Jane laying down on the back seat.. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing
the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."



The Clown scientists have found that all our problems can be placed under one heading: Seriousness.
Seriousness is the leading cause of everything from Cancer to Reincarnation.

Scientists from the renowned Clown Academy have already discovered a new source of healing. It is a psychic energy point located between the heart chakra and the throat chakra.

It is called the Clown Chakra.

If people are feeling miserable, if they have financial problems, if their relationship situation is the pits, if they are in ill health, if they have a need to sue people, if they find fault with their brothers and sisters then obviously their clown chakra is closed.

When this happens, the scientists have observed under a high-powered microscope that the cells of every organ display a sad face, and when the clown chakra is open and functioning normally, the cells display a happy face.

The scientists realized that if a person is ill, it is because his mind has projected guilt onto the cells of his body and has forced out the love that is normally found within each cell of the body. The cells are therefore saying, " I Lack Love ", or ILL for short. The scientists also discovered that all disease is due to the fact that the cells are "out of ease" or "dis-eased".

When the Clown Chakra is opened and working (or rather, playing)
properly, the psychic mechanism sucks up misery, pain, anger, resentment, grievances, unhappiness and so on, and converts the energy into tiny red heart-shaped balloons.

The red heart balloons contain Love and Joy. These balloons are directed to the "dis-eased" cell or situation, and a happy face appears instantly. When the light enters the darkness, the darkness is gone.

Sometimes these red heart balloons are called endorphins, due to the fact that when anyone experiences them the feeling of separation ends - they experience being back home and hence are no longer an orphan.

This is the well known "end orphan" (endorphin) effect.

So if you think someone is attacking you, Clown Scientists recommend that you visualize sending that person red heart shaped balloons filled with Love and Joy.

Remember to keep your clown chakra open and remember to laugh . . .
right out loud . . .seriousness causes reincarnation.

Surprise: What is the definition of a surprise

When granny gives you a kiss and slips you the tongue!


Question: What was one of the first obscenities ever heard on TV?

Answer: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"


"Boss, I not come work today. I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know, Carlos, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that".

2 hours later Carlos calls. "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Please God, Give Me Intelligence

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "

Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


When white man found this land, Indians were running it.

No taxes...
No debt...
Plenty buffalo...
Plenty beaver!
Women did most of the work;
Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.


A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading in the newspaper that the Pope does.

The Physical

A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest.

The doctor said, "That's strange. How did you get the red H" on your chest?

The woman replied: "My husband went to Harvard and loved the school so much he never takes his block sweater off.. even when we make love."

Several days later, another woman came into the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor went through the same routine. After she disrobed, the doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest. Not wanting to appear stupid, the doctor said, "Your boyfriend must have gone to V-) Michigan."

The woman responded, "I don't know what you are talking about, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

White Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little sucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Easter Bunny

A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place, and there as candy everywhere. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel just terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed him. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned waved, hopped another @ yards and waved again! The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, "Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

"Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Political Humour

Dr Seuss 2003

The Whos down in Whoville liked this country a lot,
But the Grinch in the White House most certainly did not.
He didn't arrive there by the will of the Whos,
But stole the election that he really did lose.
Vowed to "rule from the middle," then installed his regime.
(Did this really happen or is it just a bad dream?)

He didn't listen to voters, just his friends he was pleasin'
Now, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be his heart wasn't working just right.
It could be, perhaps, that he wasn't too bright.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
Is that both brain and heart were two sizes too small.
In times of great turmoil, this was bad news,
To have a government that ignores its Whos.

But the Whos shrugged their shoulders, went on with their work,
Their duties as citizens so casually did shirk.
They shopped at the mall and watched their T. V.
They drove their gas guzzling big S. U. V.
Oblivious to what was going on in D. C.
Ignoring the threats to democracy.

They read the same papers that ran the same leads,
Reporting what only served corporate needs.
(For the policies affecting the lives of all nations
Were made by the giant U. S. Corporations.)
Big business grew fatter, fed by its own greed,
And by people who shopped for the things they didn't need.

But amidst all the apathy came signs of unrest,
The Whos came to see we were fouling our nest.
And the people who cared for the ideals of this nation
Began to discuss and exchange information.
The things they couldn't read in the corporate-owned news
Of FTAA meetings and CIA coups.
Of drilling for oil and restricting rights.
They published some books, created Websites
Began to write letters and use their e-mail
(Though Homeland Security might send them to jail!)

What began as a whisper soon grew to a roar,
These things going on they could no longer ignore.
They started to rise up and fight City Hall
Let their voices be heard, they rose to the call,
To vote, to petition, to gather, dissent,
To question the policies of the "President."

As greed gained in power and power knew no shame
The Whos came together, sang "Not in our name!"
One by one from their sleep and their slumber they woke
The old and the young, all kinds of folk,
The black, brown and white, the gay, bi- and straight,
All united to sing, "Feed our hope, not our hate!
Stop stockpiling weapons and aiming for war!
Stop feeding the rich, start feeding the poor!
Stop storming the deserts to fuel SUV's!
Stop telling us lies on the mainstream T. V.'s!
Stop treating our children as a market to sack!
Stop feeding them Barney, Barbie and Big Mac!
Stop trying to addict them to lifelong consuming,
In a time when severe global warming is looming!
Stop sanctions that are killing the kids in Iraq!
Start dealing with ours that are strung out on crack!"

A mighty sound started to rise and to grow,
"The old way of thinking simply must go!
Enough of God versus Allah, Muslim vs. Jew
With what lies ahead, it simply won't do.
No American dream that cares only for wealth
Ignoring the need for community health.
The rivers and forests are demanding their pay,
If we're to survive, we must walk a new way.
No more excessive and mindless consumption
Let's sharpen our minds and garner our gumption.
For the ideas are simple, but the practice is hard,
And not to be won by a poem on a card.
It needs the ideas and the acts of each Who,
So let's get together and plan what to do!"

And so they all gathered from all 'round the Earth
And from it all came a miraculous birth.
The hearts and the minds of the Whos they did grow,
Three sizes to fit what they felt and they know.
While the Grinches they shrank from their hate and their greed,
Bearing the weight of their every foul deed.

From that day onward the standard of wealth,
Was whatever fed the Whos spiritual health.
They gathered together to revel and feast,
For although our story pits Grinches 'gainst Whos,
The true battle lies in what we daily choose.
For inside each Grinch is a tiny small Who,
And inside each Who is a tiny Grinch too.
One thrives on love and one thrives on greed.
Who will win out? It depends who you feed!

By Author Unknown

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley


After getting nailed by a "Daisy Cutter," Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive?!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 66 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, Dummy! What did you think I said?"

Politicians and nappies have the same thing in common,
they both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason. (For the yanks: nappies=diapers)

The Cleverest

A private jet was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die....So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."

Georgie boy

A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. The president is reportedly devastated - apparently, he had not finished coloring the second one.

The FBI has installed new software to catch terrorists using computers and the internet. They have stated that it won't be noticed by the average person.

To see how our FBI has accomplished this, visit this website:



Bomb Iraq

Sing to the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,

Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has pissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,

Bomb Iraq.

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's good enough for me
'Cos it's all the proof I need

Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad),

Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,

Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,

Bomb Iraq.

A journalist asks an American Government Official,

"What proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"

and the American replies, "We kept the receipts."

HU's on First
by playwright Jim Sherman
after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
We take you now to the Oval Office.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. ho is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.
Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade
next when his telephone rang.

"Hello! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down in the Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you."

Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How
big is your army?"

Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart
team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men
in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?", Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's old farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000
armoured personnel carriers. I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we
last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!", said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified
Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites, and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jezus, Mary and Joseph!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin'
Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm intrigued," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a few pints, and
there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Be Patriotic

The Taliban and Al Quaida cannot stand nudity and consider it a Sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife.

Next Saturday afternoon, at 2:00 p.m. all women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their homes to prove that they think it's OK to see other women nude. (Since the enemy does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side would be further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

Notify the appropriate authorities of any people who do not participate.

Your efforts to root out terrorists will be greatly appreciated and indicate your desire to demonstrate your patriotism. To achieve 100% participation, forward this note to other similar minded patriots.


Terrorist Profiling

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - - -particularly fanatics intent on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people.

They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors.

Let's pause a moment and take the following test:

In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
(a) Olga Corbutt
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Lost Norwegians
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy
(b) Pee Wee Herman
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
(a) Captain Kid
(b) Charles Lindberg
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Scooby Doo
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid who had a few sticks of dynamite
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain "Mustapha
the Merciless"
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of people were killed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) Enron
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonny and Clyde
(b) Captain Kangaroo
(c) Billy Graham
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

Hmmm . . . nope, no patterns here. We simply can't justify profiling.


CONFUSED? Having difficulty telling the good guys from the bad guys? Use this handy guide to discern the major differences between
Terrorists and the U.S. Government.

Supposed leader is the spoiled son of a powerful politician, from extremely wealthy oil family.

Supposed leader is the spoiled son of a powerful politician, from extremely wealthy oil family.

Leader has declared a holy war ('Jihad') against his 'enemies'; believes any nation not with him is against him; believes God is on his side, and that any means are justified.

Leader has declared a holy war ('Crusade') against his 'enemies'; believes any nation not with him is against him; believes God is on his side, and that any means are justified.

Leadership was not elected by a majority of the people in a free and fair democratic election.

Leadership was not elected by a majority of the people in a free and fair democratic election.

Kills thousands of innocent civilians, some of them children, in cold blooded bombings.

Kills (tens of) thousands of innocent civilians, some of them children, in cold blooded bombings.

Operates through clandestine organization (al Qaeda) with agents in many countries; uses bombing, assassination, other terrorist tactics.

Operates through clandestine organization (CIA) with agents in many countries; uses bombing, assassination, other terrorist tactics.

Using war as pretext to clamp down on dissent and undermine civil liberties.

Using war as pretext to clamp down on dissent and undermine civil liberties.

Created, financed, trained, and armed by the CIA.

Created, financed, trained, and armed the CIA.

Osama bin Laden...created, trained, and armed to further the causes of George Herbert Walker Bush and his cronies.

George W. Bush...created, trained and elected to further the causes of George Herbert Walker Bush and his cronies.

I'm confused. Who are the Good Guys?

US Election 2002

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, including New Jersey.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

1 Look up revocation in the now official Oxford Dictionary. Start spelling English words correctly.

2 Learn at least the first four lines of God Save the Queen.

3 Start referring to soccer as football.

4 Declare war on Quebec and France.

5 Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.

6 Close down the National Football League. Learn to play rugby.

7 Enjoy warm, flat beer and steak and kidney pudding.

8 Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you
their names before you eat.

9 July 4th is no longer a public holiday; this has been replaced with
November 5th.

10 All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take six weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.

11 Driving on the left side of the road is now compulsory. Recall all vehicles to effect the change immediately.

12 Report to our Consulate General in New York for your new passport and job allocation.

13 Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew's bedchamber.

14 Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument and the Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.

15 Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day.

November 5th, to the uninitiated, is Guy Fawkes Day, commemorating a 1605 conspiracy to blow up the British Houses of Parliament. Known as the Gunpowder Plot, it was hatched by recusant Catholics who were being persecuted by King James I for refusing to attend services of the Church of England.

The plot was foiled, Guy Fawkes was arrested while planting the explosives and later hanged. His infamy is celebrated with fireworks, much like the Fourth of July, and burning effigies called Guys.

One wonders if Americans could ever bring themselves to celebrate a plot to blow up Congress, or eat such delicacies as "bubble and squeak" (fried leftovers) and "spotted dick" (bread pudding with raisins).

The British are no less mystified as to why we call potato crisps chips and chips french fries, though there's nothing very French about them, while mincing our meat into "hamburger," implying that it comes from a German City of that name.

But they are taking great delight in poking fun at our still-undecided presidential election. And they greet with great hilarity every fresh revelation of our voting practices, such as something called hanging chad.

No, it is not a North African nation dangling somewhere below Libya but election worker jargon for still attached bits of cardboard produced when voters fail to punch out holes completely in their cardboard ballots, making them unreadable to counting machines.

"Hanging chads" were valid in the Florida recount but "pregnant chads" where voters merely dented the punch hole but not hard enough to perforate the card" were rejected.

Bruce Rogow, attorney for Palm Beach County's election supervisor, became the most quoted man in British newspapers when he explained that "Pregnancy does not count in Palm Beach County, only penetration."

What to do with Osama bin Laden?

To: President George W. Bush <president@whitehouse.gov

What to do with Osama bin Laden?

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.

Then we return HER to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

(Original message: "Stephen Welstead")
QUOTE FROM THE PRESIDENT: This is ABSOLUTELY the "Quote of the Day" When asked what is taking so long going after the terrorists . . .

"When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10tent and hit a camel in the butt." -- President of the United States, George W. Bush

Dr. Seuss Sees AMERICA, 2003

The Whos down in Whoville liked people a lot,
But the Grinch in the White House most certainly did not.
He didn't arrive there by the will of the Whos,
But stole the election that he really did lose.
Vowed to "rule from the middle," then installed his regime.
(Did this really happen, or is it just a bad dream?)

He didn't listen to voters, just his friends he was pleasin'
Now, please don't ask why, who knows what's the reason.
It could be his heart wasn't working just right.
It could be, perhaps, that he wasn't too bright.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
Is that both brain and heart were two sizes too small.
In times of great turmoil, this was bad news,
To have a government that ignores its Whos.

But the Whos shrugged their shoulders, went on with their work,
Their duties as citizens so casually did shirk.
They shopped at the mall and watched their T.V.
They drove a gas guzzling big S.U.V.,
Oblivious to what was going on in D.C.,
Ignoring the threats to democracy.
They read the same papers that ran the same leads,
Reporting what only served corporate needs.
(For the policies affecting the lives of all nations
Were made by the giant U.S. Corporations.)
Big business grew fatter, fed by its own greed,
And by people who shopped for the things they didn't need.

But amidst all the apathy came signs of unrest,
The Whos came to see we were fouling our nest.
And the people who cared for the ideals of this nation
Began to discuss and exchange information:
The things they couldn't read, in the corporate-owned news,
Of FTAA meetings and CIA coups,
Of drilling for oil and restricting rights.
They published some books, created Websites,
Began to write letters, and use their e-mail
(Though Homeland Security might send them to jail!)

What began as a whisper soon grew to a roar,
These things going on they could no longer ignore.
They started to rise up and reach out to all
Let their voices be heard, they rose to the call,
To vote, to petition, to gather, dissent,
To question the policies of the "President."

As greed gained in power and power knew no shame
The Whos came together, sang "Not in our name!"
One by one from their sleep and their slumber they woke
The old and the young, all kinds of folk,
The black, brown and white, the gay, bi- and straight,
All united to sing, "Feed our hope, not our hate!
Stop stockpiling weapons and aiming for war!
Stop feeding the rich, start feeding the poor!
Stop storming the deserts to fuel SUV's!
Stop telling us lies on the mainstream T.V.'s!
Stop treating our children as a market to sack!
Stop feeding them Barney, Barbie and Big Mac!
Stop trying to addict them to lifelong consuming,
In a time when severe global warming is looming!
Stop sanctions that are killing the kids in Iraq!
Start dealing with ours that are strung out on crack!"

A mighty sound started to rise and to grow,
"The old way of thinking simply must go!
Enough of God versus Allah, Muslim vs. Jew
With what lies ahead, it simply won't do.
No American dream that cares only for wealth
Ignoring the need for community health
The rivers and forests are demanding their pay,
If we're to survive, we must walk a new way.
No more excessive and mindless consumption
Let's sharpen our minds and garner our gumption.
For the ideas are simple, but the practice is hard,
And not to be won by a poem on a card.
It needs the ideas and the acts of each Who,
So let's get together and plan what to do!"

And so they all gathered from all 'round the Earth
And from it all came a miraculous birth.
The hearts and the minds of the Whos they did grow,
Three sizes to fit what they felt and they know.
While the Grinches they shrank from their hate and their greed,
Bearing the weight of their every foul deed.

From that day onward the standard of wealth,
Was whatever fed the Whos spiritual health.
They gathered together to revel and feast,
And thanked all who worked to conquer their beast.
For although our story pits Grinches 'gainst Whos,
The true battle lies in what we daily choose.
For inside each Grinch is a tiny small Who,
And inside each Who is a tiny Grinch too.
One thrives on love and one thrives on greed.
Who will win out? It depends who you feed!

Axes of Evil, by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the
Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.

"Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil .. . we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An axis can't have more than three counties", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool." International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat,
really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false
application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Uncle Sam

Three guys, a Canadian Farmer, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Samare out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada".

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (An engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

(Go to Jokes 2)