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Jokes 5
The Top 10 Penis Spam Subject lines
Best
so far of 2010
Put a powerdrill in your pants
honorable
mentions 2009:
Change your little pecker to enormous beast
Let Manhood awake
Durable woody in pants
CleoPuffyErectileOrgan
Are swinging for a home run
You and your almight rod of pleasure
Enormous monster phallus is every woman’s dream
Help your willy to satisfy your woman better
Turn your small nob into a huge meat stick!
Energize your baby maker
Kill all competition with the largest pole
Give your wang bulldozer power
Make your weapon esteemed (a personal favourite)
Get wall to wall women, and twice as many nubile breasts
Your love torch won't blow out
Power up your meat cigar
Lift your woody to skies
Your ammo for love battles
Become her megadriller
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And now, without further adue
The
Top 10 Penis Enlargement and Erection Enhancement Spam Subject lines
(that I have personally received & spelled exactly as I have recieved)
10) Lion power in the bedroom
9) Super-dimension for your little soldier
8) Unleash your Titan
7) Pop goes the weasel
6)
Hidden in your pants is a hollywood story that’s incredibly huge
(a personal favourite)
5) Grow an Anaconda out of your trouser snake
4) Incredible hulk gets big when he is angry
3)
Chocolate syrup and whipped cream taste better on my big and mighty delicious
cone. (a personal favourite)
2) Have a stiffy in a jiffy!!!!
And last by not least, my current favorite:
1) The quicker pecker picker upper
Kid
Jokes
Where does Napolean keep his armies?
In his sleevies
-------------
Pony says to buffalo, “I’m really angry at coyote, can you yell
at him for me?
Buffalo says, “why can’t you?”
Because I’m
a little horse
-------------
Did you hear about the Indian (Native American) who drank 85 cups of tea in
ONE DAY?
They found him the next day, he’d drowned in his teepee.
-------------
What’s green and has 4 legs, and if it falls on you from a tree it will
kill you?
A piano
-------------
A tray of muffins is cooking in the oven. One muffin says another muffin,
“boy it sure is hot in here”!
And the other muffin says, “holy crap, a talking muffin”!
-------------
how did the pig get to the hospital?
he took a hambulance!
-------------
how did the cow get home?
he followed the milky way!
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I was in
Starbucks yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to break
wind.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my release with the beat. After
a couple of
songs, I started to feel better. I finished my Latte and then noticed that
everybody
was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
--------------------------------------------------------------
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN - A guy calls a company and orders their
5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door
and there stands before him a voluptuous,Athletic, 19 year old babe dressed
in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign Around her neck.She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign
reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'Without a second thought, he
takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,He finally gives
up..The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On
the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs.
As promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.The
next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,Beautiful,
sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing butReebok
running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you
Can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is
in excellent shape and he Does his best, but no such luck.So for the next
four days, the same routine happens With him gradually getting in better and
better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself,
he discovers that he Has lost another 20 lbs. As promised.He decides to go
for broke and calls the company To order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you
sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous
program.''Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'The
next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscularGuy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign
around his neckThat reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'He lost 63 pounds
that week.
--------------------------------------------------------------
For all Who Work With Rude Customers,
An award
should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted
with a passengerwho probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded
Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's
767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a
long line
of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and
said,
'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant
replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without
hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have
a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14..'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F.... You!'
Without
flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)
'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Aussie Trucker and The Emu
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..
The next
day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes
in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone
tells him where it is.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Perdue, perhaps the largest poultry purveyor in the world, had a private audience with the Pope. To the Pope's surprise, Perdue made a startling offer.
"You know that prayer that goes, 'Give us this day our daily bread?' If you officially change it to 'Give us this day our daily chicken,' I am prepared to donate $5 million to the church."
"I must think about this and confer with the College of Cardinals," the Pope replies.
The next day, the Pope is addressing the most powerful Prelates in the church. "I have bad news, and I have good news," the Pope announces.
"Tell us the bad news first," says one of the Cardinals.
"We
just lost the Wonder Bread account," replies the Pope.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Making babies
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh
yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
--------------------------------------------------------------
Pfizer Announcement
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned
'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT
& DO.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Blond Jokes
DISTANCE
Two blondes
living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to
the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police
officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see
her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this
blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the
opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous
young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever
she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway
patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the
car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian,
an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were
the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde
was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice
and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was
visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what
their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named
Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!!
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RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second
blonde looks up the river, then down the river, and shouts back, 'You ARE
on the other side.'
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Best Quote Of 2007
By Chris
Rock, comedian
2-28-07
"You
know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful
men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon."
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Joke Videos
Dog steeling snacks
http://www.jibjab.com/view/214831
Flu Shots – Royal Canadian AirFarce - http://www.cbc.ca/airfarce/vidplayer/AF_single_player.html?/season13/051202m&playerType=wmp
Happy New Year – Remember 2007 - http://www.jibjab.com/originals/nuckin_futs
The 12 days of Christmas – courtesy of Santa’s Elves - http://www.jibjab.com/originals/farting_elves_12_days_of_christmas
Best Wedding
Dance Ever
http://www.jibjab.com/view/213612
Halloween Stripper - http://www.jibjab.com/view/208967
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Dave and
Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft
> mechanics in Melbourne.
> One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
> nothing to do.
> Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too.
> Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel
> and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'
> So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and
get
> completely smashed.
> The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In
> fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
> Nothing!
> Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this
> morning?'
> Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
> Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
> Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff --no hangover, nothing. We
> ought to do this more often.'
> 'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
> 'What's that?'
> 'Have you farted yet?'
> 'No.' 'Well,
> DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'
How Adam Got Eve
Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.
How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?' 'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib
Of course the rest is history............!!!!
Send to all the men who need a good laugh and the women you think can handle it.
Giving Up Wine I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.''Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!''Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
0A
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
**********************************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***********************************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy
goes up to Father O'Grady after
His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
*********************************************************************************************************
AND THE BEST
FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either…
The New Sound of Music for the Oldies!
Read on...and enjoy! It wouldn't be funny if it wasn't so true... Julie Andrews turned 69 - To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/ vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP (American Association of Retired Persons). One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music.' Here are the actual lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
I BET YOU ALL PUT THAT TO MUSIC X
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.) Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humour with others who would appreciate it
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JUST FOR LEXOPHILES ( lover of words)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
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Wrong Email Address
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving
Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been pr epared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure
is freaking hot down here!
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Sweet tators - http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/sweettators/
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Mick and Paddy
Mick and
Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a
>> seafaring man all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
>>
>> In due time, he did pass away and the two boys
>> set out to keep their promise.
>>
>> They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and
>> loaded onto their rowboat.
>>
>> After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
>>
>> Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself
>> standing in the water up to his knees.
>>
>> 'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
>>
>> After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the
>> water
>> Is only up to his belly, so they row on.
>>
>> Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
>>
>> Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,
>> 'No
>> Dis'll neva do.'
>>
>> The water was only up to his chest.
>>
>> So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the
>> side
>> and disappears. Suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for
>> breath.
>>
>> 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
>>
>> 'Aye it 'tis indeed" says Paddy " hand me da shovel.'
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New Zero Tolerance Speed Camera
With the road toll continuing to increase each year, especially around the Christmas Holiday period, this will be the first year that Zero Tolerance Speed Cameras will be introduced in December gearing up to the holiday period.
The new cameras look different to the normal cameras, so I have included a photo, as an attachment to this email, so that you are familiar with them and able to make sure not to speed when approaching.
Please take this warning seriously as you will not get another chance.
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The Sex Fairy
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. =============
2. Gentle,
relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes
and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
=============
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. =============
4. Sex is
one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about
every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you
don't need special sneakers!
=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. =============
6. The more
sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives
off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes
drive the opposite sex crazy!
===========
7 . Sex is
the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing
each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food
from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing
plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually
relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts
blood vessels in the brain.
=============
10. A lot
of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It
can help combat asthma and hay fever.
=============
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The 'Hot Sex Fairy'
will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.
Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 5 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Aussie Humour
Those Aussies
> Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps were a
> Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
> blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
>
> The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
> sound of a loud slap.
>
> When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Aussie has a bright red hand
> print on his cheek.
> No one speaks.
>
> The old lady thinks:
> The Aussie guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped
> his cheek.
>
> The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
> That Aussie guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and
> fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
>
> The Aussie thinks:
> That Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark.
> She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
>
> The Kiwi thinks:
> I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that Aussie again.
An aussie love story....
Aussie Humour
> Daryl is driving over the West Gate Bridge one day when he sees his
> girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
>
> Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:
>
> "Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"
>
> Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:
>
> "G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".
>
> Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
>
> "Shazza", he says
>
> "Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport
too"
>
> and drives off.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Male/Female
A SPANISH
Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
House' for
instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your
pay check on accessories for it.
THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine (el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians,
Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a " BREASTED
AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR
OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes " VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID
GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."
----------------------------------------------------------------
The Flight Crew The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc . Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don 't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit." "It's The Box Office."