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Jokes 2

(Go to Jokes 3)

 

Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a
birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker,you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"
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Inner peace

I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pudding, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolates.

I feel better already.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?……………….Take away his credit card
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Billings Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, sits down, bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served AND ONCE AGAIN the bartender tells him forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs".

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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Stutter

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I was almost married."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Yes, I went to a doctor and he told me that if I speak slowly I will not stutter."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"Well, my fiancee and I were sitting on her porch and the dog was scratching his back and I told her that when we are married, she can do that for me. And then she threw the ring in my face."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"Well, I speak so slowly, that by the time she looked at the dog, he was licking his balls!"

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wittle wabbit

A little girl walks into the pet shop and asks: "Please Sir - I am looking for a wittle wabbit."
The owner smiles, bends down, and in his "this-is-how-I-speak-to-little-kids" voice he says:
"How sweet! Now: Would you like a cute and cuddly little white rabbit, or do you want a soft and gentle little black rabbit?"

The girl answers: "Fwankly Sir, I don't fink my pyfon gives a shit."
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Chain mail

Hello, my name is _______ and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? "Oooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!" Basically, this message is a big KISS MY ROSY RED ASS to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by pilgrims on the Mayflower. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards.

Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant's ass for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
Here is the First: What days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one-how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song.

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS
ME I AM HIS OWN......

St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run"!!!!!
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THE 5 PASSENGERS

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower state. Above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, American people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, Osama Bin Laden, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I'll die in Jihad and God will decide my fate, so I let you have the last parachute.

The boy said, "It's OK, there's another parachute left for you. The Americans' cleverest President has taken my school backpack.
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Happy Birthday

"Hello, is this the police?" "Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony! He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the police officers descended on Tony's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana.
They swore at Tony and left.

The phone rang at Tony's house. "Hey, Tony! Did the cops come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy"
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CIA TEST

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Diet Facts: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
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SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

Thinking it was just a figment of his imagination he drives on
without second thought. Soon, he sees another sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

He begins to realise that these signs are real. He then drives past
a third sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a plate.

This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the plate, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet, places it in the plate, trots eagerly down the hall, and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
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Strange Brain (this is insane!)

The Strange Brain...

Count the number of "F's" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Finished? Scroll down only after you have counted them, okay?

How many? 3? - Wrong, there are 6 !! --no joke.

Read it again.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF". Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare. Send this to your friends-it drives them crazy.
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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank Economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Englishman. "They must be English!"

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!"
"You are both wrong," says the World Bank economist. "They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise. Clearly, they are Zimbabweans!"
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How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@OC DSB.edu.on.ca Elvis-the-King@OCDB.edu.on.ca
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
8) In the memo field of all your cheques, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
9) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
10) Dont use any punctuation
11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
14) Sing along at the opera.
15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
17) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend theirparty because you're not in the mood. 18) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" 3rd time this week!!!"
20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
21) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

22) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this Pam K

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Brain Teasers

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Sorry, I don't have the answers to these... Just kidding.


1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
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Shocking Statistics

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups): 1,500.

Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. "FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a Public Health Measure, I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.
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The New Realistic Barbie Dolls

At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with
tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitel taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her
sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip
line with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of
exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for
Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and
cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered,
along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is
Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car and Ken's boat

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little
copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she
sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick
and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through
the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the
book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
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Kindergarten

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
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Little boy

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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Gwen

Gwen is hit by a car and dies, sees the tunnel of light etc and God who tells her, "you must go back Gwen, this is a mistake, you aren't due here for another 30years 10 months and 4 days!"

Gwen wakes up in hospital and remembers what God said and as she begins to recover from her accident she makes a few decisions.

When fully recovered she calls for the best cosmetic surgeons, organises a total makeove with full facelift, liposuction, silicon implants...then calls the best hairdresser who changes the colour of her hair and gives her a model's hairdo and finally a famous beautician to do her makeup. ..she looks absolutely fantastic and checks out of the hospital to go home.

As she walks out of the front entrance she is hit by an ambulance and killed.

Back in heaven ! she can't believe it! "Just wait till I see God again, Oh there he is... God what happened?? You told me I had another 30yrs 10months and 4 days on earth!"

Well, yes Gwen, God says, that's right you did......but Gwen we just didn't recognise you !
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Newfie joke

Buddy left Newfoundland and moved to Toronto and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but

I have some bad news... the donkey died last night." "Well, den" said Buddy, "Jus' give me money back,sir."

"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already." "OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."
"What are you gonna do with him?" "I'm gon-to raffle 'im off." "You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Newfie!" Well dats where you wrong. You wait an' you learn how smart we Newfie's is!"

A month later the farmer ran into the Newfie and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?" "Just dat guy who won. So I gived 'im his two dollars back."
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Barbie doll head

Ok, the story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things up in his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!

Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute from when he sent them a Barbie doll head.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
------------------------------
From Zenum's Daily Nerd Humor Mailing List http://zenum.com/users/nerdhumor
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World's Shortest Joke

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
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An 85 year old senile man goes to a brothel, the madam opens the door, he says, "Id like some action". She says, "get out of here, you've had it!" He says, "Oh thankyou, how much do I owe you".
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Puzzling Puzzles!

1) There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall building.Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave thebuilding to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can onlytravel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the wayunless it's raining! WHY?This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateralthinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are manypossible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonicalanswer is truly satisfying..

2) A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on thescene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives thesurgeon says "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can thisbe?

3) A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper,gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all thestreet lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light offtoo but some how manages to stop in time. How did the driver see theman?

4) Title : The Elder TwinOne day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twinbrother, Terry,celebrated his birthday. Why?

5) Title : Manhole CoversWhy is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which canbe solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by avery well-known software company as an interview question forprospective employees...

6) Title : The Deadly PartyA man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then leftearly...Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequentlydied Of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

7) Title : HeavenA man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other peoplethere. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21.He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw acouple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did heknow?

8) Title : Trouble with SonsA woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the sameday of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

9) Title : The Man in the BarA man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water.The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says'Thankyou' and walks out. Why?This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in itsstatement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfyingsolution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet theylike the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuringit out...

SOLUTIONS:

1) The man is very very short and so can only reach half way up thelift buttons! However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrellawith him and so can press the higher buttons with it...


2) The surgeon is the boy's mother..

3) It was day time..

4) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins wastravelling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early onMarch 1st. The boat then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the youngertwin, was born on February the 28th. Therefore, the younger twincelebrates her birthday two days before her older brother..

5) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonalof the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole.. Sofor safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round..

6) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drankthe punch, the ice was fully frozen.Gradually it melted, poisoning thepunch...

7) He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels..because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilicalcords and therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectlylogical but it can sometimes spark fierce logical arguements..

8) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This puzzlestumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tubebabies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complexsolutions when there is a much simpler one available?

9) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech anddrew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured thehiccups.
------------------------------------------------

Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.

They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a
helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.

They are called "Sweetpo Taters".

If you know any "Sweetpo Taters", send them this!!
-----------------------------------------------

Naval Operations

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US
Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct '95.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

CANADIANS : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
a collision.

AMERICANS : Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North,
to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS : This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

CANADIANS : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your
course.

AMERICANS : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

------------------------------------------------

Powder my Nose

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.

So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose".

And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
------------------------------------------------

The Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was too old and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Now, the moral of the story:

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and step up!

P.S.: The donkey later came back and kicked THE SHIT out of the bastard that tried to bury him.

Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
------------------------------------------------

Birth

A true story: It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child washome alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn.

When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911."

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
------------------------------------------------

Rubber !!!!

Husband & wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives they find it overloaded & only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. The man and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the man gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you a put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy !!"

The blind man replies: "If you would have put a rubber on your stick we would have been sitting in the bus, so shut up!!"
------------------------------------------------

Wanting To Be A Bear (from a woman's point of view)

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that!

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup - I wanna be a bear!
------------------------------------------------

Jamaican

A Jamaican is strolling down the street in Kingston and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Jamaican is stunned, and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Jamaican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking rum."

Finally he says, "Is rum me like fe drink; make me pee rum." Yeah man! The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Jamaican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. "The ting look like rum. The ting smell like rum." He takes a taste and it is the best rum he has ever tasted. The Jamaican yells to his wife, "Beverly, Beverly, come quick nah man."

She comes running down the hall and the Jamaican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. "Drink up woman, is rum!" Beverly is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best rum she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Jamaican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same; the rum is excellent, and the couple drink until sun up.

Friday night comes, and the Jamaican comes home and tells his wife, "Beverly tek one glass and we will drink rum." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Jamaican begins to pee in the glass. When he done fill it, im wife ask, "But Winston, why is one glass tonite?"

Winston raise the glass and say, "Because tonite, my love, you drink from de bottle."
------------------------------------------------

MONEY??..

It can buy a House --------- But not a Home
It can buy a Bed------------ But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock---------- But not Time
It can buy you a Book------ But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position---- But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine----- But not Health
It can buy you Blood-------- But not Life
It can buy you Sex---------- But not Love

So you see, money isn't everything.-------- And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering???

So send me all your money. And I will suffer for you. Cash is Fine.
------------------------------------------------

THE PIG....& other useful bits of info

Little Known Facts:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee (Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb (Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet (OMG...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour .. (Do not try
this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a
good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who was paid to figure
that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew...? Who cares!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)
------------------------------------------------

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?

Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
____________________________________________________________________

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.

The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first
paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the Story coherent.

There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca-last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

-------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.

"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!

Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh
no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca) Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(gary) Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca) Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
(gary) slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca) Get f*cked.
----------------------------------------------------------
(gary) Eat sh*t.
--------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca) F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
(gary) Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(teacher) A+ - I really liked this one.
------------------------------------------------

The Bear Family

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Fuck sake", how many times do we have to go through this shit? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. ..It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from
last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish.

And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good, because I'm only going to say this one more time....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!!
------------------------------------------------
Stupid People

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."

That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask Them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once
or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery

Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you
tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist.

I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure.

Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went
through his basic questioning ... okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"

I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago.

Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.
------------------------------------------------

Hickbonics

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickbonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone.

The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida.
Capitol is Lanner.

BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd From him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart; See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them bammer boys sure is ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother

from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

EARL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts some earl in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."


DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He ain't movin; he's did, Bubba."

EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fince."

DJEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Djew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see."
Usage: "I seed Bubba git cot in a bob war fince.

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun (have you?).
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

BUM - (noun) - A form of explosive.
Usage: "The gubmint gonna keep messin' round till somebody gits a tomic bum dropped on him."
------------------------------------------------

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
------------------------------------------------

Old farmer

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the South forty fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and people laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond. I only came to feed the alligators."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
------------------------------------------------


The Wrong arm of the Law

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:

My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's
imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it
on the bench and walked out.
------------------------------------------------

Magic??

David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.

Only one man puts his hand up. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his
trick.

The man says "For this trick David, I will require the use of a table." He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and take her from behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "I know, but it's f**king magic."
------------------------------------------------

Taxi driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look mate,
don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years!"
------------------------------------------------

This will work too.

So, the owner of this pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the assistant "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The assistant goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist goes "You idiot!" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The assistant goes "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
------------------------------------------------

Tae a Fert

O what a sleakit horrible beastie Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie Just as ye sit doon amung yer kin There sterts tae stir an enormous wind. The neeps the tatties and mushy peas Stert working like a gentle breeze But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face Will hae ye blawin awe ower the place Nae matter whit the hell ye dae A'bodys gonnae hiv tae pay Even if ye were tryin to stifle It's like a bullet oot a rifle Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair Tae try and stop the leakin air Shift yerself frae cheek tae cheek Pray tae god it doesnae reek But awe yer efforts go asunder When oot it come like a clap o thunder Richochets aroon the room Michty like a sonic boom God almighty it fairly reeks Hope I huvnae shit ma breeks Tae the bog I better scurry Aw what the hell it's no ma wurry A'body roon about me choking Wan or two are nearly bokin I'll feel better for a while Cannae help but raise a smile Wis him I shout with accusing glower Alas too late he's jist keel'd ower Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare A dinnae feel a welcum any mair Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free Sounds like jist the job fur me Whit a fuss at rabbie's perty Ower the sake o wan wee ferty

------------------------------------------------

(Read all of this)

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY,

Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk. Dark hair roots will sprout in your genitals and emails to your closest friends will bounce after duplicating themselves to the CIA. It will also wear out your favorite socks, reduce the size of your underwear.

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send to everyone.

... if you are a blonde, this is a joke...

------------------------------------------------

How To Wash The Cat!

I. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.

3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG
------------------------------------------------

Bill Gates at the pearly gates

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters.

There were thousands of beautiful women running around, laying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels rifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver!"
------------------------------------------------

Drugs

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin,
Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on, and so forth. The FDA has been looking
for a generic name for Viagra.

They announced on Monday that they've settled on a name. There were numerous names that were considered; such as, Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mycoxafailin, Mydixadud, and
Alimpdix-fixit. The FDA finally narrowed it down to two different names,
of which they chose Mydixarizin ..the other, of course, was ..Ibepokin.
------------------------------------------------

Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a [#@!$] motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
------------------------------------------------

Dear Electric Customer,

Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you. Below, we have enclosed a little picture to help you understand our feelings about your numerous complaints.

Have a nice day and keep those cheques coming, loser!

Your Local Power Company President,

Dewy Cheatom

------------------------------------------------
What's green and soft and you roast it on a stick around the campfire - A martian mellow
------------------------------------------------

What do hippies do to George Bush - They really peace him off.
------------------------------------------------

God grant me….

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill, because they pissed me off - Author Unknown

(Geezer Version)
God Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference - Author Unknown

"Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept" – Dharma
------------------------------------------------

Geezer Insights

Now that I am older (but refuse to grow up), here is what I've
discovered:

1. Started out with nothing and still have most of it.

2. my wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5 All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog; some you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter..I
go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

19. I am unable to remember if I have mailed this to you or not!

20. Funny, I don't remember being,...absent minded...
------------------------------------------------

A NEW VIRUS... Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to mostly affect those of us who were born before 1958!

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to forget to put a subject in.
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
------------------------------------------------

US Humour

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN....

You switch from "Heat" to A/C in one day.
You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means
Your sense of direction is; towards the mountains and away from the mountains.
You're a meat eating vegetarian.
The bike on your car is worth more than your car.
You use a down comforter in the summer cause you have the a/c on at 55 degrees.
You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.
You take your out of town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
You install security lights on your house and garage but leave all doors unlocked.
You think the major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.
You carry jumper cables in the car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter cause the pot holes are filled with snow.
You think that sexy lingerie is tube sox and flannel PJs.
You know all 4 seasons almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a team's victory.
You can never figure out why your out of town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.
You can drive over a 12,000 foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista.
When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz.
Your car insurance costs more than your car.
You have surge protectors on every outlet.
April showers bring May blizzards.
You see someone riding a Harley in a downpour, and you look closer to see if it's anyone you know.
"Timberline" is someplace you have actually been. Many times.
You know what a 'Chinook' is. You know what a 'rocky mountain oyster' is.
You know what a 'fourteener' is. But you don't know what a 'turn signal' is.
A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a
Democrat in Congress does.
Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning-rod.
You know who Alfred Packer was. You know who Baby Doe Tabor was. You
know who Jim Beckwourth was. You'd be happier if you didn't know who Barbra Streisand was.
SPF 90 is not out of the question.
People from other states breathe 5 times as often as you do.
Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.
Thunder has set off your car alarm.
A full moon has never kept you awake at night.
You have an $800 stereo in a $300 truck.
A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal.
You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.
Where we're going, we don't need roads!!"
You know where Doc Holiday's grave is.
You know where Buffalo Bill's grave is.
You know where the real 'South Park' is.
You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.
Driving directions usually include 'Go over ____ Pass...'
You've used 'checking for ticks' as an excuse to get someone naked.
You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka.
You've gone skiing in July. You've gone sunbathing in January. They were both in the same year.
You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans.

And most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.
You actually understand these jokes and send them to your friends.
------------------------------------------------

Two flies are sitting on a tird, one says to the other one, "man this tastes like shit".
------------------------------------------------

There was a cowboy who was dressed in a paper shirt and paper hat and paper boots and paper chaps…. He got busted for rustling.
------------------------------------------------

Tonto comes running to the Lone Ranger yelling emphatically, "bacon tree, bacon tree". The Lone Ranger replies, "Tonto, I've told you a million times, it's Ambush.
------------------------------------------------

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? To da dump, to da dump, to da dump dump dump;
to da dump, to da dump; to da dump dump dump; to da dump, to da dump, to da dump dump dump, dut daaaa, to da dump dump dump.
------------------------------------------------

How does Batman's mother tell him that dinner is ready? Dinna Dinna Dinna Dinna
Dinna Dinna Dinna Dinna Batman
------------------------------------------------

What's brown and swings through the trees - a monkey
------------------------------------------------

How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini - 2 in the front and 2 in the back
------------------------------------------------

What would you say if you saw the coming of the Lord - "swim for it".
------------------------------------------------

2 cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other one, "does this taste funny to you."
------------------------------------------------

Russian Roulette

An African delegation to Moscow was being treated to all aspects of Russian culture. One of the secret service agents was telling an African how to play Russian roulette with a six-shooter handgun with only one bullet in the chamber.
“You put it to your head,” he said, “and pull the trigger.”
The African was not impressed. “African roulette is much more fearsome!” he said.
“Impossible!” exclaimed the Russian. “Please explain.”
“There are six naked women,” said the African, “and each one will give you a blowjob - you just choose any one.” “That needs no courage,” sneered the Russian.
“Aha!” exclaimed the African. “But one of them is a cannibal!”
------------------------------------------------

A woman is watching the news on TV and they are reporting live from a helicopter about a man driving down the highway going the wrong way. All the other cars are swerving all over the place trying to avoid hitting this guy. She calls her husband to warn him as he knows that he travels on that highway at this time. She says to him, "there's this crazy driver on the highway going the wrong direction". He replies emphatically, "just one, hell there's a whole bunch of them going the wrong way".
------------------------------------------------

"Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip"
------------------------------------------------

Metaphors Found in NSW (Australia) Year 12 English essays
(Thanks Paulinah!)

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
------------------------------------------------

Christian and other Spiritual Goodies

3-year-old: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name." " Amen"
------------------------------------------------

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you Can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
------------------------------------------------

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
------------------------------------------------

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
------------------------------------------------

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from The prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
------------------------------------------------

..and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
------------------------------------------------

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
------------------------------------------------

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in Church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
------------------------------------------------

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
------------------------------------------------

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
------------------------------------------------

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
------------------------------------------------

St. Peter was watching the pearly gates one afternoon when Jesus came around to see him. "Oh great! Glad you're here," Peter says, "Can you watch the gates for a minute?"

Jesus nods and Pete runs off in a hurry. Soon, and old man walks up to the gate.

"Well," Jesus says, "Tell me your life story."

The old man looks up and says "I don't remember too much when I died, but I remember my name was Joseph, and I was a carpenter, and I had a son that was world famous!"

Jesus looks at him and says, "Papa?"

The old mans says, "Pinocchio?"
------------------------------------------------

Lawns

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on there in Earth? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,
no-maintenance garden plan.

Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a
vast garden of colors by now, but all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribe that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir. just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In autumn
they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter, and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this any more. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
------------------------------------------------

Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

----------------------------------------------
CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS

Thank God for churchwomen with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community.

8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who does not care much about you.

9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

10. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

11. For those of you who have children and do not know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions she is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be Recycled, Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM-prayer and medication to follow.

24. The women of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All women are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

27. The pastor would appreciate it if the women of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please Use
the back door.

29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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“Religious Truths”
A Short Guide To Comparative Religions

TAOISM….Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM….Confucius say “shit happens”.
BUDDHISM….If shit happens, it is not really shit.
ZEN….What is the sound of shit happening?
HINDUISM….This shit has happened before.
ISLAM….If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
PROTESTANTISM….Let shit happen to someone else.
CATHOLICISM…. Shit happens because you are bad and you deserve it.
JUDAISM….Why does this shit always happen to us.
NEW AGE….Affirm shit does not happen to me.
CALVINISM…. Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST…. No shit on Saturdays....
HEDONISM….There's nothing like a good shit happening.
MORMONISM….This shit is going to happen again.
MOONIES….Only happy shit really happens.
STOICISM….This shit is good for me.
HARE KRISHNA….Shit happens -- rama rama.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS….Invite me into your home, and I'll tell you why shit happens!
ZOROASTRIANISM….Shit happens half the time.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE….Shit is in your mind.
EXISTENTIALISM….What is shit anyway?
SCIENTOLOGY….Give us all of your money and we will help you remove the shit.
ATHEISM….I don’t believe this shit.
RASTAFARIANISM…. Let's smoke this shit!
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The Definition of Eternal Life – God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.
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In the Beginning

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How're things, Eve?" He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shotat that you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.

"Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!"


"Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"
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The Pope

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness does not travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, wonderful. Now I'm really going to lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," says the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Governor?"

"Bigger."

"The President?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

"I think it's God!"

"What makes you think it's God?"

"Well, he's got the Pope driving for Him!"

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Dancing

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counselling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realise it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within
marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of
vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."
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The Atheist and God

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together.... bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, thank You for this food which I am about to receive..."
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Dear Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can
you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim

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JESUS, MOSES AND THE BURGLAR

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you.

"Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
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Jesus and Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. T hey sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said......... "Jesus saves."
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Was Jesus Jewish?

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel .
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian
or an Australian from Byron Bay

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He wore sandals.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 arguments that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
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Granny loving Jesus

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of

the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

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A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,

"Give me one with everything"!

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The Auditor

A fresh-out-of-school auditor had joined the IRS, anxious to begin tracking down high-powered offenders -such as th Enron or World.Com guys. Coveting his first high-powered audit, he was a bit
dismayed when his assignment was to audit a local Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," replied the Rabbi. "We save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And everY now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his asinine question had a practical answer. But he decided he'd go on, inhis obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzos?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough, we send them to the I. R. S."

"The I. R. S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I. R. S. " .. and once each year, they send us a little prick like you.
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Firmness

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother
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(Go to Jokes 3)